You must refill the hot tub after your parties
A letter to Joan Rivers from her daughter/landlord
The following letter is being sent to you on the anniversary of Joan Rivers’ death. It can be found in the book, Letters of Note: Mothers, reprinted by kind permission of Joan’s daughter, Melissa Rivers. I’ve also included a reading of the letter by Miriam Margolyes, which is taken from the accompanying audiobook.
On Sunday 7th September, 2014, crowds gathered outside Temple Emanu-El in New York’s 5th Avenue in order to pay their respects to the recently departed Joan Rivers, an outspoken comedian who had been a household name since the 1960s thanks to her numerous television projects, and who was born in Brooklyn to Russian immigrant parents. Many speeches were made in memory of Rivers that day, including one by her daughter, Melissa, whose spare room Rivers had stayed in sporadically over the years whilst filming in LA. After saying a few words—to the delight of all gathered—Melissa pulled out and read aloud this letter, written to her late mother the year before.
Mom:
I received the note that you slipped under my bedroom door last night. I was very excited to read it, thinking that it would contain amazing, loving advice that you wanted to share with me. Imagine my surprise when I opened it and saw that it began with the salutation, “Dear Landlord.” I have reviewed your complaints and address them below:
While I appreciate your desire to “upgrade” your accommodations to a larger space, I cannot, in good conscience, move 13-year-old son, Cooper into the laundry room. I do agree that it will teach him a life lesson about fluffing and folding, but since I don’t foresee him having a future in dry cleaning, I must say no.
Also, I know you are a true creative genius (and I am in awe of the depth of your instincts), but breaking down a wall without my permission is not an appropriate way to express that creativity. It is not only a boundary violation but a building-code violation as well. Additionally, the repairman can’t get here until next week, so your expansion plan will have to be put on hold.
Re: Your fellow “tenant” (your word), Cooper. While I trust you with him, it is not O.K. for you to undermine my rules. It is not O.K. that you let him have chips and ice cream for dinner. It is not O.K. that you let him skip school to go to the movies. And it is really not O.K. that the movie was Last Tango in Paris.
As for your taking his friends to a “gentlemen’s club,” I accepted your rationale that it was an educational experience for the boys—and you are right, he is the most popular kid in school right now—but I'd prefer he not learn biology from those “gentlemen” and their ladies, Bambi, Trixie and Kitten. And just because I yelled at you, I do not appreciate your claim that I have created a hostile living environment.
While I’m glad to see you’re socializing, you must refill the hot tub after your parties. In fact, you need to tone down the parties altogether. Imagine my surprise when I saw the photos you posted on Facebook of your friends frolicking topless in the hot tub.
I think it’s great that you’re entertaining more often, but I can’t keep fielding complaints from the neighbors about your noisy party games like Ring Around the Walker or naked Duck, Duck Caregiver.
I’m more than happy to have you use the house for social gatherings, but you cannot rent it out, advertise as “party central” or hand out T-shirts that say “Fuck Jimmy Buffett.”
In closing, I hope I have satisfactorily answered your complaints and queries. I love having you live with me, and I am grateful for every minute Cooper and I have with you. You are an inspiration. You are also 30 days late with the rent.
Much love,
Melissa
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Thank you for the antidote to the daily news -- love and laughter are truly medicinal!
Thanks for posting this. Hilarious and witty, a rare combination these days.