To hell with Christmas
Festive bleatings from Philip Larkin
The glittering tsunami that is Christmas is soon to hit land and overwhelm our collective senses, digestive systems, and bank balances. For some, this is Heaven; for others, it’s much closer to Hell. The following batch is dedicated to the latter camp: those among us who are already grinding their teeth as they dream of January and the return to peace and sanity. The plan was to pluck these from a number of notable Scrooges; however, it quickly became apparent that Philip Larkin deserves the stage all to himself.
Not much of a haul this Christmas! A laundry bag (asked for), a 10/6 book token, a second-hand tie, & a pair of expanding cufflinks enamelled in blue with large ‘P’s in cursive script on them. That’s all, that’s all, that’s all, that’s all. Shan’t get very fat on all that, eh?
Philip Larkin
Letter to Monica Jones
28th December 1950
What an awful time of year this is! Just as one is feeling that if one can just hold on, it won’t get any worse, then all this Christmas idiocy bursts upon one like a slavering Niagara of nonsense & completely wrecks one’s entire frame. This means, in terms of my life, making a point of buying about six simple inexpensive presents when there are rather more people about than usual, and going home. No doubt in terms of yours it means seeing your house given over to hoards of mannerless middle-class brats and your good food & drink vanishing into the quacking tooth-equipped jaws of their alleged parents. Yours is the harder course, I can see. On the other hand, mine is happening to me.
Philip Larkin
Letter to Judy Egerton
17th December 1958
[E]very Christmas, every Easter, every Whitsun, when other people are enjoying themselves I am stewing at home in a rage of irritation & boredom.
Philip Larkin
Letter to Monica Jones
23rd May 1964
The thought of Christmas depresses me. Please don’t go to trouble. Every year I swear I’ll never endure it again, & make you promise to be sensible, & now here you are talking about duck again, just as if I had never shouted and got drunk & broken the furniture out of sheer rage at it all… All I want is an ordinary lunch, and no fuss. Get a good piece of beef that will last a day or two, and potatoes for baking. To hell with Christmas.
Philip Larkin
Letter to his mother
14th November 1971
Christmas, yes! Either people tell me what they want and I can’t get it, or they don’t tell me what they want and I can’t think of anything. I think it was Peter Warlock who said ‘It is a time of year I dislike more and more as I get older.’ Amen to that.
Philip Larkin
Letter to John Betjeman
16th December 1976
Christmas and the New Year seem to get longer annually, and indeed do so. Eventually the whole bloody fucking arseholing country will be on its back from Guy Fawkes’ night to St Valentine’s Day is my guess.
Philip Larkin
Letter to Kingsley Amis
11th January 1981
Christmas stank.
Philip Larkin
Letter to Blake Morrison
11th January 1985
Further reading:
Selected Letters of Philip Larkin, 1940-1985, edited by Anthony Thwaite (Faber & Faber, 1992)
Philip Larkin: Letters Home, 1936-1977, edited by James Booth (Faber & Faber, 2018)
Philip Larkin: Letters to Monica, edited by Anthony Thwaite (Faber & Faber, 2010)
GIFTS OF NOTE
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A bit of a pill. Must have been a very difficult person to live with. If anyone did. Not that I’m into big glitzy Christmases myself but I’d leave him off the party list.
Would Philip Larkin have written "hoards" when he meant "hordes"?