Thank you for the unexpected and unsolicited submission of your p*** portrait for our consideration

And a clarification about the monkey gland man letter

Scroll right down for a few words about yesterday’s letter. Thanks.

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This is not Sarah-Louise. Photo from Getty.

In June 2016, a then-28-year-old British woman named Sarah-Louise Jordan became the latest in an impossibly long line of women to be sent, without so much as a warning, an unsolicited photograph of a penis belonging to a stranger. Thankfully for the wider population, she responded with the following letter. It went unanswered.

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Dear Sir, 

Thank you for the unexpected and unsolicited submission of your penis portrait for our consideration. We regret to inform you that it has failed to pass our most basic standards of quality control at this time.

However, for a nominal fee we can offer you a report that will help you change that.

The A4 report, provided via postal service, will include a personalised booklet that covers the following:

• Why genitals are not an acceptable conversation opener (a step-by-step guide to saying hello)

• How to appear as though you weren't raised by wolves; Better ways to deal with your sexual frustration

• How to dress your penis for social media (a rough guide to pants)

And:

• Penis Reading: a new form of palmistry that may help you unlock the key to your future.

We will also answer questions you might have such as:

• Do I have too much time on my hands?

And:

• Why did my penis fail basic standards of quality control? (Note: The number one reason for this occurring is that it is attached to a bigger dick than itself.)

Finally, as a gesture of goodwill, we intend to offer two free samples with all of your future penis portrait submissions: An inventive critique of your pride & joy and a surprise consultation with your closest available family member about your portfolio.

We trust this exciting offer is acceptable and look forward to working with you in the near future.

Yours faithfully, 
Sarah-Louise

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Enormous thanks to Sarah-Louise. At Letters Live a few years back, with Sarah-Louise’s blessing, this was read aloud by Olivia Colman to huge applause.

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Re: Monkey Gland Man

Yesterday’s letter has resulted in a few complaints, one of which began “Get your simians straight” and then accused me of being uneducated. Although gentler, the others said pretty much the same thing, and mere seconds ago, as I was typing this out, a comment appeared beneath the post that echoes the others. Basically, STOP MIXING UP MONKEYS AND APES. I hear you, and I’ve changed the archived version. In my defence, I was thrown by Voronoff’s nickname, which was “Monkey Gland Man.” Apparently he used the testicles of both chimpanzees and baboons for his hideous treatments.

This correction reminds me of an update I sent out last year—still the best update I’ve ever written—which, coincidentally, featured the word “gorilla.”

Finally, I apologise for placing this correction beneath Sarah-Louise’s letter. It doesn’t sit very well.

Actually, maybe it does.