In 2017, a small music venue in Yorkshire named ‘The Ritz’ regretfully announced that it had no option but to close and rebrand, having been threatened with legal action by the famously opulent London hotel with which it shared its name. Before long—on this day in 2017, as it happens—the following letter of complaint reached the manager of said upmarket hotel, written by the lead singer of a tribute band whose upcoming gig had been affected. Sadly, his plea fell on deaf ears.

(For the uninitiated, ‘The rozzers’ is a British slang term meaning “The police”—as in, “Shit, run, the rozzers are here.”)

Thursday 23rd February 2017

General Manager
The Ritz Hotel
London

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to you regarding the recent news articles connecting your hotel with the Ritz Ballroom in Brighouse, West Yorkshire.

My band “The Rozzers” (a Sting and Police tribute act) were due to play a show at The Ritz (the venue in Brighouse, not your hotel in London—so confusing!) on Saturday 11th March 2017, but as you have threatened the venue with legal action forcing them to close, the gig has been cancelled with no hope of re-booking. I have therefore included an invoice with this letter to cover our loss of earnings.

We also intend to initiate our own legal action against Her Majesty’s Police Service, as the general public keep confusing The Police (law enforcers) with The Police (80’s Punk/Reggae band) and it is having a detrimental effect on our brand. They even have “The Police” written all over their vehicles, so in many ways we feel your pain.

I understand that you are a small fledgling operation so you need to protect your good name. Similarly, I need to protect my income and the income of the people in my band so I would appreciate prompt payment please; none of your 28 days nonsense, thank you.

Alternatively, we have several London shows later this year and need somewhere to stay. The cost of two rooms at your place is roughly equal to the loss of earnings from the cancelled Ritz show (the venue in Brighouse, not your hotel in London) so how about we arrange for that to happen? Failure to comply will result in us having to slum it at The Savoy instead (the historic, world-renowned hotel, not the cabbage).

Yours in Anticipation,

Owen James, on behalf of The Rozzers

Photo: Dave Rushen/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images.

Support Letters of Note for £3.33/mo